Introducing: Got This Thing

The second epoch of humanity has begun: GotThisThing has arrived.

Productivity is no longer possible. With unlimited access to events and commitments, 100% of human beings find themselves occupied 100% of the time, or more. Responsible scheduling has ceased to be an option. Introducing “No-ductivity”. Introducing Got This Thing.

Got This Thing is a revolutionary new app that allows users to fill their Google Calendar with real events in their area in order to have an irrefutable excuse for any date and time. Using location data and customizable event categories, GTT gathers believable events, so users never have to do anything they don’t want to do again. This is the subtle power of no-ductivity.

Got This Thing could also be used by under-committed people to find interesting events catered to their interests, were such people to exist. They do not.

“From dawn of civilization in the Indus River Valley, up until about 2007, it was easy to get out of doing things,” explains GTT CEO Nat Towsen. “When someone asked ‘What are you doing tomorrow at 5?’ all you had to do was say, ‘I’ll check my calendar when I get home,’ then never speak to that person again.” But the advent of smartphones, explains Towsen, ruined this foolproof excuse forever. “These days, we all have our calendars in our pockets. If you can’t come up with a specific scheduling conflict in under 15 seconds, you’ve automatically committed to attending a work-acquaintance’s energy-healing seminar all weekend.”

With the aid of the suave geniuses at Cultivated Wit, the Got This Thing team has created a brief instructional video that demonstrates to raw power and frightening precision of the GTT app. Their breakout presentation at New York Tech Meetup was covered by CNN Money. The team is currently in talks with investors, attempting to raise an unprecedented one-trillion-dollar seed fund. Explains Towsen, “Everything about us is unprecedented.”

Got This Thing has already helped thousands of users in dozens of countries worldwide, though it currently only exists as a website. A mobile app, certain to alter the course of the 2016 election cycle, is soon to be released. In the mean time, the over-committed can access the app at GotThisThing.com and sign up to receive a notification when the mobile app is released.

“It’s a new world,” declares Towsen, “and we’re here to help you avoid it.”